I've been doing this for almost two years now. January 27th, 2010 was the date of my first post. I was under a different name then, and had a different host. It was a huge challenge for me. I've always had a difficult time expressing or exposing my true self. I have abandonment issues. I can't take rejection (TMI?).
I was afraid, but I took the leap. I wanted to live outloud...push past my fears and insecurities. I wanted to show the world who I really am, and what I have to offer. I wanted to make a difference.
Two years ago, I didn't really even know the blog world existed. I was a single mom, with three small kids, trying to make the most of a bad situation. I stay home because I have to, it's not a choice. But, I'm grateful that I have to, because I want to. The problem is, it doesn't pay very well (or at all).
I was trying to start a small business, and one day while I was looking around for blank, silver tags for hand stamping, I stumbled upon this chick right here. She changed my world. I found this world, and I started to believe that I could make things happen.
I could start my own business. I could be creative. I could do good things. I could meet people, and make new friends. If only I could...and, so I did...I wanted it bad enough, and I pushed past my fears. I wrote something, and I hit "publish".
I wanted my space to look good, but I didn't have the money for a blog design, so I taught myself HTML. I am not a techie. I don't want to be a techie, but I write code right along with my words now (which, just for fun, sounds like this in my head...bracket div align equals quote center quote bracket blah, blah, blah bracket backslash div bracket). The blah, blah, blah is what you see.
I bought a DSLR camera (with a loan from my parents), the least expensive one I could find, with the best quality, because I saw how vital it is to be visually appealing, but then I remembered how much I love photography (win, win).
I worked hard getting to a point where I could feel comfortable commenting on someone else's post, for fear if it wasn't good (or perfect), they would come over, see my crap, and never come back again, but I eventually took the plunge. It was horrible. I tried to become part of a community, but they came over, saw my crap, and never came back again (I'm guessing). I stopped focusing on my goals, and started worrying about why nobody liked me? If it weren't for this girl right here (or I guess she's here now), and her kindness, I would have thrown in the towel long ago. She kept me going, and I am forever grateful.
This experience has changed me. It's not as easy as it looks. It has raked me over the coals in more ways than I can even begin to tell you, but I've pushed through it. I've beaten myself up, and mended my wounds over, and over, and over again here...and that alone is reason to stay...and keep going.
I never realized how much I lived for other people's approval, until I kept coming up short, even after putting forth my very best effort. I read a lot of blogs. I'm interested in what other people have to say. I value their words. I comment a lot. I still hear crickets, and sometimes it hurts. If you are my friend here, you know I'm not talking to you. I'm just comparing what I thought it would be, to what it is. Yes, I am comparing myself to others (and because your here, I know you love me anyways, and vice versa;)).
On Monday, after I posted Madison's angry bird, I noticed she kept coming to this page and checking the comments. She asked me why no one was saying anything about it. I felt sick. I check my comments like that sometimes, too, and I hate it when there aren't any. I felt like a failure, because I didn't have the traffic.
And then I thought about how much I love writing and taking pictures, and about how much she loves drawing, and about that thing Picasso said..."Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up."
I think when we're young (and even when we're old) we give up on some of the things our heart wants, because we didn't get the reaction we hoped for when we put our hearts out there. We didn't think we were good enough, so we gave up.
I hope I gave my girl the right answer to her question. I said, "You weren't thinking about what everyone was going to say when you were drawing your bird. You were just drawing it because it gave you joy. Always do what you love, because you love doing it, and don't expect anything from it. What you make might touch someone right away, or ten years from now, or never, but that thing you loved doing touched you, so do it."
Then, I told myself the same damn thing.
This weighs on me sometimes, and I want to let it go. I don't want to carry it around anymore.
It's funny, I wasn't finished writing this when I went to pick Griffin up from school today. I was thinking about it on the way home...wondering whether or not I should post it at all. A song on the radio caught my attention. It was this one. Weird, huh?
Saturday, January 21, 2012 at 4:12PM 
